How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?
— There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
"Most illegal immigrants are law abiding citizens."
— Kirsten Powers - while standing in for Alan Colmes on Fox News Hannity & Colmes Show
What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
— Larry the Cable Guy
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
"An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her."
— Agatha Christie